Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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