the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
This house was built for laser tag.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
