I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
