I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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