why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My underwear smells like fireworks.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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