I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize