Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
