strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
