True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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