Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
