How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I wish there were birth control emojis
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
