You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
