May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
