Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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