I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
