The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
