Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
