when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
