im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
