I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize