Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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