Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
