mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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