now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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