Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
