I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
