The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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