Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize