someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
