I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
