cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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