nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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