Got a toothbrush?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
