Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
