I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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