Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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