I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
