now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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