I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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