in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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