Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
