I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
