walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
