I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
