i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
