Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
