so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
