walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
