if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
