Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize