I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
