So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
