did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
