I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
