It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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