god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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