Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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