My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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