Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
