did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
