Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
