your parents love me but you hate me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
