Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize