Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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