he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
