I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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